Mother's Day

Dear, well... ME (because no one else is listening anymore at this point!!), 

I started this blog long ago when I yearned to be a mother. I had a burning desire deep in my heart unlike anything I'd ever felt before. It was all consuming. And when my story of becoming a mother didn't happen in my time frame or in my way - enter infertility, I had to grieve. I had a missing piece of my heart that I would never see. A child I dreamed of creating with my husband, would never be. Time heals all and that's exactly where I stand today. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty. It was a raw and very real way of grieving. During those years of infertility and adoption, Mother's Day was hard day for me. And honestly speaking, it still is. 

Today, I am a mother to 3 beautiful girls through the miracle of adoption. I am far more blessed than I ever dreamed. My journey to our girls has taught me more about myself than any experience I've lived through thus far. And for that alone I'm forever grateful. I'm forever changed to have witnessed 3 incredible women place their babies in my arms with poise and with peace knowing they made the best decision for their child. It's the ultimate act of true love. One I will never, for as long as I live, take for granted. I'm trying with every part of my being to raise these children in a way that would make each of them proud. Because to me, that's the only way I can begin to thank them for choosing me to be the mother of their children. After all, I would never be a mother if they didn't believe in me. This is my way of honoring them and I believe the only way to show them how deeply I love them - my girl's birthmothers. These women chose to give their children life in a world where it is far too easy to choose another path. Because of their choice, they will likely feel an excruciating loss and one they will feel in big and small ways for the rest of their lives. They chose what they believe to be a better life for their child and a chance at a better life for each of them. Their 3 stories are all very different, but this premise resonates true for each of them. The deep love and admiration I feel for each of these women runs deep in my soul and it's a part of my every day. So, when I fail as a mother, I feel like I've let them down in the worst of ways. 

Today, on Mother's Day, I feel their loss and even somedays I feel undeserving of these incredible little blessings that made me a mother. Lately, I feel like I've let our birthmothers down. As hard as I try, I am failing. I have given our girls every part of my being for nearly 5 years and I have made what I believe are the best choices for each child. And suddenly, what felt like out of nowhere, our perfect little family started slipping away from my grasps. Emeline has had some challenges this year that have rocked our world and ripped my heart in two - for her. I'm deeply saddened and no longer have the answers. I yearn to see my sweet girl again and will not stop searching for answers until I see the sparkle back in her eyes. I miss my Emeline so very much. 

I can't help but feel like I've been in this place before. This place of loss, searching for answers and holding onto hope with a death grip. The good news is, I've got this. We've got this. With love and togetherness, we can get through anything. And so, we begin... 

I will stop at nothing to be a mother each of our birth mothers would be proud of. One day should they desire to see their child again, I pray I raised them right and these precious girls grow to be someone each of these women are proud of. This is my greatest wish and main goal in this precious life of mine. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mothers out there - those whose children are today a dream, those whose children are in Heaven and those who will be holding onto their children a little tighter today. We all deserve to be celebrated because we are on the greatest journey of them all. 

With Love,

Ashley