"Love is all you need"

Sorry to leave you all in the dark.  I left that one little line to get the word out a week ago and never looked back. 

Kris and I are actually handling all of this amazingly well.  We are stronger now individually than we ever thought we would be, but more importantly, our marriage is better than ever.  We had our weak moment after the first cycle was cancelled, but it turns out that was the challenge we needed to overcome to unite us.

After we got word our cycle was cancelled, I just needed a day (Thursday) to myself.  I didn’t talk to anyone.  I barely spoke to Kris until he got home that night-somehow he just knew I needed some alone time.  I spent the day cleaning and thinking of anything other than our situation.  If you know me, then you know I like to clean as my stress reliever.  And of course a little shopping never hurt anyone!  To me, there’s little better than a sparkly clean house with all the candles burning…

We didn’t actually sit down and talk about how we were feeling until Friday night.  We both needed time to absorb.  That night, we had a wonderful dinner and an even better evening at home when Kris turned our house into a wine bar-swanky music and all!  And over a nice bottle of Pinot Gris, we poured our hearts out to each other…

I’ve learned very quickly in this process that I should listen to my gut-my very first instinct.  A friend recently told me that your gut instinct is Gods way of talking to you.  And maybe she’s right!  It just so happens, Kris’ gut is giving him the same feeling.

And that is…

Maybe we are rushing this.  Maybe this isn’t the right time for us to have a biological child.  Individually, we both have severe problems to prevent us from having a baby naturally, but are they really that severe that it could NEVER happen?  We don’t believe so. 

Kris and I aren’t making any decisions on how to move forward until we talk to Dr. Dunn on Monday, but we do know that we don’t have many more IVF cycles in us.  Emotionally, physically and financially, IVF is draining.  Our life seems to be hanging in the balances of IVF and it’s getting old.  Six months of, “can I drink this?” or “can I go to hot yoga today” or “can we leave for vacation right now” is really starting to wear on us.

We want a baby to love unconditionally more than anything and to us; it doesn’t matter if that baby has our DNA.  I’m not saying we are giving up on a biologically child forever, but recently our hearts have really been open to the idea of adoption.  Back when Kris and I were dating, we talked about adoption one day in addition to our biological children and we liked the idea.  Maybe now we will just have adopted children and maybe one day a surprise biological child!  Either way, they are ours to raise and love will all that we are and that’s all that matters.  In the end, “love is all you need”.

History Repeats Itself...

My cycle was cancelled once again for similar reasons as before.

We Live to Fight another Day…

As my husband so eloquently defines our situation.  On Saturday, we went in for my first ultrasound and blood work appointment since starting the injections.  Since it was Saturday, there was an on-call nurse instead of my regular nurse, Gloria and Dr. Dunn was enjoying his weekend at home as well.  I give you these details only because the on-call nurse gave me some worrisome days and sleepless nights this weekend.  I won’t bore you with the details, but there was one particular mature follicle that gave the on-call nurse a reason for concern.  After my blood work came in, she called Dr. Dunn and reported back to me that we were at risk on cancelling the cycle if things didn’t look better on Monday.  I know there must have been some miscommunication along the way, because what she told me that morning and what she told me that afternoon were complete contradictions.  Nevertheless, I had some unsettling emotions the whole weekend and the “what-ifs” started playing in my mind again.  Plan B is in motion right now, so if this cycle were to be cancelled, we would have to move on to Plan C.  As of now, we don’t have a Plan C, but Dr. Dunn anticipates that Plan C will unlikely involve a biological child.  I hope you can understand my fears this early in the process.  Kris and I aren’t ready to give up the fight for a miniature Kris; chunky with stark black hair and a grin from ear-to-ear or a miniature me; again chubby, with a head full of hair and a button nose.  Can’t you just see him or her now?

Here’s the good news-I spoke with Gloria, my regular nurse this afternoon and I now have 7 measurable follicles that are still small, but my estrogen is high which means the follicles will hopefully increase in size this week.  The one mature follicle we were originally concerned about was actually mature before we even began the medications, so we are to completely disregard that follicle.  If my follicles do mature this week, I will have an egg retrieval early next week and Kris will have a testicular biopsy to remove his sperm that same day.  And then…we wait for a miracle!  We know each day is a fight and each day a blessing, so for now...we live to fight another day.

Round 2

 I started injections on Monday! 

Four shots a day is my new regimen and I couldn’t be more excited about it!  I’m also doing acupuncture twice a week to increase blood flow to my uterus and make my body more responsive to the medications.  I believe in acupuncture, (and the power of prayer), because this time I had 9 follicles at my baseline ultrasound-2 more than last week and 2 more than the previous cycle.  This cycle just feels different; it feels right.  I’m beginning this IVF cycle with 2 more follicles than previously, I’m actively doing acupuncture and I’m on nearly double the dosage of medication than I was before. 

Kris and I are increasingly positive about IVF cycle number 2, but we are also guarding our hearts, because we learned from the last cycle that really anything can happen when you least expect it.  On the other hand, lately I’ve felt this unexplainable peace inside and I no longer worry about the future.  What I do know is, I have an amazing man to share my life with and one day we will bring a baby into our world.  We just have too much love to give.

Thank you all for your constant support and daily prayers.  It means the world to us to have so many loved ones rooting for our dream to come true.  Thank you also for your listening ear and kind words of encouragement.  We love you all dearly!