Moving Forward, but NOT Moving On

The longer our fertility journey goes on, the more I realize I need to move forward with my life.  This past year has solely been about mine and Kris’ fertility.  I’ve devoted myself to research, doctor’s appointments and changing every aspect of my life that I can to help improve our success.  Now, I’m not moving on from those goals, I’m just moving forward and devoting myself to something else I hold near and dear to my heart…animals.  Volunteering at an animal shelter has been something I have wanted to do ever since I left my job.  Month after month, I continued putting it off because in my mind, I would be pregnant very soon and because of the many diseases these rescue dogs sadly have; it’s not a place for a pregnant woman.   I’ve now put my selfishness aside for a greater cause.  I want to give these poor innocent animals a chance at life and I know one person can make a difference.  Starting in January, I will be volunteering 3 days a week at 2 animal rescue organizations.

Corridor Rescue Inc.

http://www.corridorrescue.org/

There is a place on the Northeast side of town, entirely too close to home for comfort, off 59 and Little York named the Corridor of Cruelty and Neglect.  A place so inhumane it’s nauseating.  This area of town is the dividing line between the county and city Animal Controls, so no one is coming to rescue or relieve these poor innocent animals from their pain and suffering.  They are sent to a life of wandering around aimlessly, starving, disease ridden and often times abused.  Many of the people in this area throw away these animals as if they are garbage and think nothing more of it.  It is the mission of this organization and now mine, to save lives and correct this injustice to hundreds of physically and emotionally damaged animals.

For the Corridor Rescue Inc., I will be both a feed station volunteer and a dog visitor.  As a feed station volunteer, I will go out to 59 and Little York (with someone else for safety) and give these animals food and water.  The organization has feed stations for two miles throughout this corridor and the dogs we find are fed daily.  It will be my duty to document the dogs we encounter that day and email the other volunteers.  That volunteer’s job is to then find the funds needed to rescue the animals and then find the appropriate animal shelter, vet clinic or foster home.  I know it may sound like a long process, but because of Facebook and other online resources, we can reach a vast amount of people quickly and bring these doggies home.  

My second volunteer job with CRI will be a dog visitor.  Once the dogs are rescued, some will be placed in Abbott’s Animal Clinic, where I will visit and show them what it is like to be loved and cared for the first time in their lives.  Because I am a feed station volunteer and a dog visitor, I will be able to watch these dogs transform into pets ready for their forever homes.  I chose this job, because I believe in this process, I believe we can rescue a dog, sad, scared and abused and give him/her a chance at a real life. I’ve watched many success stories from this organization over the past year and it’s amazing to see the transformations.  Dogs quickly losing their fight to stay alive are rescued just in time and through medicine, training and lots of nurturing, they become happy, fun loving pets with a new life and a new family.

Volunteers for Animal Protection-VAP

www.VAPadoptions.org

VAP is a similar organization to CRI, where they rescue, rehabilitate and then place these dogs and cats in their forever homes.  For VAP, I will be a dog visitor as well and provide food, water and love to the animals until they are adopted.

I’m looking forward to moving forward and having a new focus in my life.  Our fertility will always be my number one focus until we bring a baby into this world, but I need more meaning in my life right now.  I have the time and resources to make a difference and I need to make a difference.

Two Negatives Make a Positive

The words “severe male, low ovarian reserve” are five words I can’t seem to get out of my head.  We saw Dr. Dunn on Wednesday to go over what went wrong and to discuss our new plan of attack.  Once we sat down in his office, he showed us his computer screen with the results of my blood work and ultrasounds over the past couple of weeks.  At the top of the screen was his diagnosis and it read those five simple words that I can’t move on from, “severe male, low ovarian reserve”.  How do two negative words like “severe” and “low” somehow turn into something positive?  By praying for a miracle, that’s how. 

Since the new discovery of my low ovarian reserve, we have decided to be as aggressive as possible for the second round.  I will be on the same medications as before, just on the highest dosage possible.  My dosage will be increased by 50% and we have no idea how it will affect me or if it will even work, but it is a risk Kris and I are willing to take.  Our new plan is to start birth control right after I start my period and two weeks from that point go in for an ultrasound.  This ultrasound is my baseline ultrasound and it will tell Dr. Dunn how many follicles I have to start with before any medication is introduced into my system.  If I have less than 8 follicles to begin with, then I will be on birth control for one more week, followed by another ultrasound.  If at that point I have 8 or more follicles, we will move on with the injections.  However, if again I have less than 8 follicles, the cycle will be cancelled before I start the injections and we will repeat the same cycle until we get the results we are hoping for.  At my baseline ultrasound a month ago, I started the cycle with 7 follicles, so in my mind, 8 follicles will be an easy goal to achieve.  Dr. Dunn joked about praying over my ovaries, but we may just do that!  For now, Kris and I have to continually strive to believe that our two negative diagnoses’s can give us a positive pregnancy test.  Two negatives make a positive, right?

Never Lose Hope

After 17 injections, 10 blood tests, 6 ultrasounds and 1 acupuncture appointment (20 more needles); our IVF cycle has been cancelled.  Much to our dismay, my body was not responding like it should for my age to the medication.  At this point in the cycle, I should have had 5 “good” follicles, yet I only had 3 follicles total and only 1 “good” one.  My estrogen levels were rising just as they should have, but I wasn’t producing the follicles I needed to.  It could have just been a bad cycle for me, but we won’t know for certain until we try round 2.  One of Dr. Dunn’s nurses said the first round of IVF is really just an experiment; it’s a trial and error game of not knowing how your body will respond to the medication prescribed.  The good news is Dr. Dunn is creating a new plan of attack with all new medications.  My body knows what to do now, so with any hope, our second round will be easier.  We see Dr. Dunn again in two weeks and we will have a more definite plan and timeline.  However, with the holidays and our family trip to Tahoe fast approaching, we may not be able to move forward until after the New Year.

Kris and I are really saddened and disappointed by this news.  We had prepared ourselves for an unsuccessful round of IVF, but we weren’t prepared to not even be given the opportunity to complete one full round.  It’s difficult to not get discouraged by the new developments, while knowing we already had such a hard fight ahead of us, but we won’t give up and we won’t lose hope.  As we go further and further down this path, I realize my blog title “Road to Hope” is very appropriately labeled.  As strongly as Kris and I believe we have faith and hope at that moment, it can so quickly be taken away from us with one test, one phone call.  Our “road to hope” will be a constant struggle, a constant fight, but we will never give up on our dream and never lose hope. 

"Hope is something very abstract. It can't be quantified, and, at times, it can't be explained.
But it's important. Never lose hope in the world. Never lose hope in humanity. Never lose hope in your loved ones. Never lose hope in yourself. Never lose hope that things will get better.
As long as there is life, there is hope. And where there's hope, there is life.
Hope gives us strength. Hope gives us something to look forward to, something to hold on to. As long as you have hope in your heart, anything is possible.
Hope is essential to a happy and fulfilling life. Never lose hope."

Emotional Rollercoaster

Locked out of the house, crying on the step of my back porch was not where I thought I would find myself yesterday, but that’s exactly where life took me.

I had my third ultrasound and blood work appointment Monday and we received concerning news.  I have only developed two follicles and my estrogen is low.  Dr. Dunn said if my estrogen was in the 250 range that we would have to cancel our cycle because all of my estrogen is stemming from one follicle and that simply isn’t enough.  He mentioned very little about continuing the cycle, only about what would happen if we have to cancel.  So I left the appointment alone, feeling very sad and defeated.  I suddenly had all the feelings of guilt Kris experienced with his low sperm count.  All along I thought with IVF we could “bypass” my endometriosis and I could give my husband the baby we always dreamt of.  Then out of the blue, we find out my ovarian reserve is lower than what Dr. Dunn envisioned, making our journey all the more difficult.

I waited on pins and needles all day for my blood results to come in.  This would tell me whether or not our cycle will be cancelled.  Then comes 3 o’clock and the phone rings.  Its Dr. Dunn’s nurse to tell me to continue my meds as I have been and to begin a new medication tomorrow.  Whew!  What a huge sigh of relief!  My estrogen level was 566, over three times higher than it was on Friday!  This potentially means I have more follicles yet to develop and I’m just a late bloomer.  We later spoke with Dr. Dunn and while he said my higher estrogen levels brought him comfort, we are still not out of the woods.  If he doesn’t see more follicles on Wednesday, our cycle may still be cancelled.

I know we have perfect strangers rooting for us and praying for us weekly as well as all of our family and friends.  We are so blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives.  We ask that you pray for comfort and strength for Kris and I to get through this period no matter the outcome and come out the other end both stronger individually and as a couple.  Please pray for my body to develop more follicles and for continued good news throughout this process.  Thank you all for your praises, your daily thoughts and for checking in on us.  We love you all!

My Box o' Fun



Looks like fun, huh?

My box o' fun as I like to call it arrived in a cooler on Friday.  The three bags of needles and the sharps collector immediately made me nervous, but after our appointment yesterday I feel more at ease.  Starting tonight, Kris will give me two injections at the same time every night for two weeks.  I can tell you with complete honesty that I'm looking forward to officially beginning the IVF process.  There's no turning back now!  Wish us luck! 

A New Kind of Normal

First of all, I would like to apologize to all for going on a brief hiatus.  The month of October is a blur for Kris and I with so many trips, doctors’ appointments, procedures and fun events in between to keep us smiling.  Our life prior to IVF has always been in constant motion with us enjoying life together in various ways and always staying active.  We have decided that over the next month or so, life needs to slow down and we need to focus on one another and our beautiful baby that we WILL soon bring into this world.  This means staying home (more often); a term somewhat foreign to us.  Kris and I both want to put our heart and soul into IVF and make sure that we do everything in our power to get pregnant the first round.  If we don’t get pregnant, our hearts will be broken, but we will find comfort knowing we aren’t in control and it wasn’t God’s will at the time.

Over the last month we have been poked and prodded in search for answers to the cause of our infertility.  After all our testing and procedures, we know two things for certain; I have endometriosis and Kris has low testosterone.  Kris is now on Clomid to help his body produce more testosterone and hopefully increase his sperm quality and quantity.  He will be on Clomid for the rest of our childbearing years and then on some form of testosterone for the rest of his life.  Kris’ low testosterone could be the sole culprit inhibiting his ability to produce sperm, but there could be something more.  We may never know.  According to Dr. Khera, we fall into the bracket of 30% of couples going through infertility that never get real answers.  But, that’s okay.  We know enough to comfortably move forward with IVF and we are willing and ready!

After completing my procedure and blood test yesterday, we have the okay to start the injections on Tuesday.  Starting next week, Kris will be giving me shots twice a day (scary, I know!) and I will be going to the doctor every couple of days to every other day for blood work and an ultrasound.  Dr. Dunn will carefully be monitoring my body and how it responds to the medications. He will be making adjustments as needed with my medicine and as soon as my eggs are mature he will schedule the egg retrieval.  Right now, we are estimating that day to be November 22^nd.  Gloria, Dr. Dunn’s nurse, who I have been in close contact with, says it could be a day or two earlier or later, but it looks like things are happening the week of Thanksgiving!  On the day of the egg retrieval, both Kris and I will be under anesthesia.  Before I go in for my egg retrieval, Kris will have a testicular biopsy done, where they will remove his sperm.  Since we will both be loopy that day from anesthesia, my gracious parents with be taking care of us.  Then, for 3-5 days after our egg retrieval, Baby Simpson will be a developing embryo and as soon as he/she has fertilized we will go in for the embryo transfer. This day is tentatively scheduled for November 27^th.  It blows our mind, that in a mere three weeks we could be PREGNANT!  In the coming weeks, I may feel awful, my body may do unrecognizable things, but we are so excited for this opportunity and the chance to be pregnant very soon. And just so you know, if I do get pregnant this round, our precious baby will be due mid-late August 2011!

As for our new kind of normal…For the month of November, I have traded in hot yoga for the elliptical, wine for water, and activities for relaxation.  Kris and I will both be religiously taking our vitamins and medications while paying close attention to our bodies.  We will do our very best to remove stress from our lives and stay as relaxed as possible.  This month will be a trying month both physically and emotionally, but we are prepared and very excited to move forward.  This year, I’m thankful for the answers we have received, for the amazing doctors we have behind us and for the opportunity to do IVF.  On Thanksgiving, we will be celebrating Kris’ 28^th birthday and the normal development of our embryos and soon to be Baby Simpson.  I couldn’t imagine a more special Thanksgiving.  

Fun times ahead!

In the next three weeks Kris and I have many exciting events to look forward to!

1.       This weekend we are taking an impromptu trip to Austin to see our beloved Longhorns once again with our friends, Jason and April.  We haven’t been to a game in Austin in years, so we are thrilled.  Just being on campus is going to bring back so many wonderful college memories.  

Hook'em!

2.       Kris is having his procedure on Wednesday and we will know that day whether or not he has a blockage!  Then on Thursday, I meet with Dr. Dunn’s nurse to go over the medications that I will be on.  I’ve started birth control, which is the first step, but I’m looking forward to really getting the process going with the next round of medications.  If everything goes as planned, we are looking at an egg retrieval around Thanksgiving.  Now, that’s something to be thankful for!

3.       My much anticipated Audi will be here next week!  We sold the RAV 4 a week ago and I will admit that it’s somewhat bittersweet.  The boys and I have had so many fun trips together with Oskar in my lap and George in the passenger seat.  I’m really going to miss those moments and so will they. We did buy a cargo net and the boys will still ride along with me when they can, but they’ll be trapped in the back.  I just have to remember, they are safer secured in the back.



These sweet moments will be gone, but not forgotten.

4.       Next weekend, we are taking a trip with our friends Brian and Margaret to Margaret’s home town of Oxford, MS.  Kris and I are going to our very first Ole Miss game!  We can’t wait to experience Ole Miss tailgating and all that is Oxford!

5.       Two weeks from now, we are taking another trip to Austin to attend Wurstfest, a German festival, with our friends Tye and Dani.  We went two years ago and had a blast.  This year Kris and I wanted to dress up for the occasion, but we couldn’t get Tye to play along.  Maybe next year!

Here is a picture from two years ago. I told you we had a blast!

We have so many blessings in our lives that we certainly have not forgotten.  We have a wonderfully supportive family and friends that are family.  Thank you all for the fun times that keep us smiling when life get tough.  We love each and every one of you!

"Don't Stop Believin'"

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey has always been one our favorite songs and I think it should be our theme song for our journey through infertility.  The lyrics send a great message of never giving up hope or never giving up faith in something important to you.  Every time Kris and I hear this song, it puts a smile on our faces and the lyrics will continue to remind us to, “Don’t Stop Believin’”. 

            With that being said, we received more good news this morning!  Kris and I woke up on this Monday morning with an email from our urologist.  We expected to receive Kris’ test results today, but not at 7 am!  We are continually amazed at how quickly our doctors are moving to get us the answers we have been searching for.  Kris and I are truly blessed to be in the care of these amazing doctors.  Dr. Khera informed us that with Kris’ hormone levels, he believes he may have a blockage.  A blockage is an easy fix and we have always said that is our best case scenario.  If Kris has a blockage, most likely we will still have to proceed with IVF because of my Endometriosis, but our chances for success are considerably higher since we may no longer have male factor infertility.  Right now, we are waiting to hear back from Dr. Khera’s staff to schedule Kris’ procedure.  He is nervous because neither he nor I have ever been under anesthesia, but anxious to receive the final verdict.  I promise to keep everyone updated as we receive new information, but in the meantime, “Don’t stop believin’” in our miracle baby.

Oh Happy Day!

Remember the hope and optimism I was struggling to find earlier this week?  Well, WE FOUND IT!  After five hours at the urologist, two blood tests, three urine tests and one semen analysis, we received good news! 

 Just to give you some background, a normal man’s sperm count is 20 million per ml and normal volume is 2.0 ml.  On Kris’ first sample he had 1.0 ml volume and a count of 12.  Yes, that was 12 and not 12 million.  On his second sample, sadly, there were no sperm or sperm parts seen.  Now for yesterday’s results...His count was 2.1 MILLION!  Can you believe it?  Kris and I were thrilled by this news and it reminded us again that anything is possible.  Dr. Khera, our urologist suggested we freeze the viable sperm just in case we are to ever need it.  We may never get results like this again, so we agreed!  As of today, we have Kris’ swimmers in safe keeping just in case we run into any problems as we proceed with IVF.

You may be wondering why we are so excited by this news, because his count is still very low.  Well, when you start will 12, then go to 0 and now 2.1 million, you have hope.  Hope that there is a blockage, hope that a successful IVF is easier to achieve and hope that the thoughts of not ever having a biological child are no longer on the forefront of our minds.  We’ve been told to take each victory as it comes, no matter how small, because you never know when the next batch of good news will come your way.  So we did.  Cheers to 2.1 MILLION!        

A new season, a new emotion

Our anniversary officially marked one year of baby making. It’s been an exciting year, but also one of trying emotions. With each new season, grew a new emotion.  Here is a look at the last year of our life.

In the Fall of 2009, more specifically September, we were excited and eager start a family.  Work was going well for both of us and Kris and I were looking forward to beginning the next chapter.  However, over the next month my anticipation of a baby was overshadowed by my stress level at work.  I had a boss that was no support system; a boss who simply delegated while he talked on the phone and surfed the internet.  He had two assistants who essentially ran the office, and I was one of them.  Our office was the highest volume office in the whole company, but was so unorganized it was bound to blow up at any second.  Well, it seems as though his time was up a couple of months ago and he was fired for just that, as well as his very long track record for treating his employees unfairly (really like dirt!).  I digress…Back to where Kris and I were emotionally.  In October and November, we teetered back and forth on whether or not I should move on from Stage where I could be happy again.  Our thought process was to remove stress from our lives as much as possible.  It had been a few months since we started trying and both Kris and I lead very stressful lives at work.  We knew this was not helping our situation, so I put my two week notice in around Thanksgiving and shocked my whole division.  Everyone was saddened by my news, but very supportive and never blamed me for leaving.  So on December 11^th, I walked out of the Stage Store doors for the last time, with my new found freedom in tote and never looked back.

This brings us to the Spring of 2010; the season of frustration.  Month after month went by and still no baby.  I watched my friends have a baby or get pregnant and as time went on and as happy as I was for each of them, watching and experiencing those moments, only got harder.  The Spring was really a stagnant season for us in the baby making department.  In April, I made the decision to see my OB/GYN just to make sure there weren’t any problems that we were not aware of.  A month went by and finally my appointment day arrived.  One blood test later and my doctor had deduced that I was not ovulating every month and prescribed me three rounds of Clomid.  Finally, after many enduring months, we have an answer (or so we thought)!

Now, it’s the summer in Texas and I’m hopeful, but hormonal.  See how time flies when your life revolves around your cycle? In June, I started my first round of Clomid, our magic pill, and my symptoms weren’t so bad. I experienced slight mood changes, hot flashes, headaches, fatigue and pain in my ovaries.  Then came July and I was at the same 50mg dosage, but my body knew what to expect this month, so those symptoms from the month prior were even stronger.  In both June and July my body did what the meds told it to and I did ovulate, but for a reason yet to be known, I wasn’t getting pregnant.  So I began my final round of Clomid, now at 100mg.  Those headaches I mentioned before turned into migraines, the fatigue became pure exhaustion and my abdomen swollen and sore, but I would endure any pain for the sake of our baby.  In August, my best friend who haunts me every month arrived and I had to make the call to the doctor that Clomid failed to work.  Her nurse called back to tell me they could no longer help us and that we needed to see a fertility doctor.  I hung up the phone and because I was hormonal, the tears started flowing.  I spent the next week or so researching doctors and through our insurance, I found the man that will help make our dream come true.

Here we are now in the Fall of 2010.  So far this season we have felt sad, helpless and disappointed, but that’s all about to change. I’m struggling right now, but I will find the courage to be optimistic and hopeful once again. On our first anniversary, we made the decision to start a family and on our second anniversary, coincidently we had our first meeting with Dr. Dunn our fertility doctor.  As for our third anniversary, well, we think it would only be fitting to welcome our miracle baby into this world. Now wouldn’t that be special?  

Just an ordinary day

On the morning of Tuesday, September 28^th, Kris and I woke up and treated this day as if it were any other day.  He kissed me goodbye and went off to work and I started getting ready for my doctor’s appointment later that morning.  I had my very first ultrasound and though that may not sound scary, the rush of emotions you feel by starting the fertility process are.  My friend and neighbor Jenni, who I would later realize was a godsend, went to my appointment with me for moral support.  At the time, Kris was unable to sneak away from work since he was scheduled to fly to Palm Beach that afternoon for an investor meeting.

 I arrive to check in for my ultrasound and find out that I will be seeing the doctor as well.  This is not normal practice, so I felt very nervous something was terribly wrong.  Thankfully Kris called just as I was checking in to say he was on his way, which was a huge sigh of relief.  I immediately went back and had my ultrasound followed by 15 minutes of pure agony waiting on both Kris and the doctor.  Eventually, I was called back to meet with Dr. Dunn and just as I sat down, Kris walked in the door and I could breathe again.  Then in walks Dr. Dunn with these very sweet charismatic eyes and immediately goes straight into our test results.  I love this about him.  He knows we are in high anticipation of why we are in his office unscheduled and he refuses to make you wait and conjure up small talk.  He places Kris’ semen analysis results in front of us and began to explain the shocking results.  This is the moment when our lives would forever be changed and so unexpectedly.  My heart sank and my world turned upside down. Kris and I were blind-sided by the news that we will never be able to have a baby the good old-fashioned way.  

I wish I could tell you that the bad news stops here, but unfortunately it doesn’t.  We then proceed to go over my blood test results only to find out that he believes more than ever that I have Endometriosis.  In short, Endometriosis affects reproductive organs and compromises fertility.  As well as having Endometriosis, the quality and quantity of my eggs are not where Dr. Dunn would want them to be for my age.

Understanding all three of our issues, our only option at this point will be to proceed with In-Vitro Fertilization.  We lost our dream of having a baby naturally, but we are ready to face the road less travelled, hand-in-hand and with high hopes.  We have a difficult road ahead of us, but both Kris and I realize this journey will only make us stronger. We will cling to one another and support the other when one falters.

In the end, we woke up on this Tuesday believing it was just an ordinary day, but it will forever be marked in our hearts as a day that changed our lives.  I will never forget the events of this day and how it all unfolded. I believe more than ever that people are placed in our lives for a reason and Jenni was meant to be there with me to hold my hand when Kris was unable to.  Our path is uncertain, but we know somehow, someway, we will come away from this journey with a child to love unconditionally.

Waiting on a baby...

It seems as though I’ve spent a good part of my life doing just that.  Waiting on a baby… As soon as I was old enough to know what it meant to have a brother or a sister, I knew I wanted nothing more.   I begged and pleaded for years and as most of you know, I’m an only child and that dream never came true.  I wasn’t concerned if it was a boy or a girl; I just hoped my sibling would play babies with me.  That’s right; I was a mother from the start.  I remember time after time, my mom telling me the exciting news of someone else having a baby and while she was happy for them, I was just plain sad I wasn’t going to have a new playmate.

Well now, fast-forward the clock a couple of decades and the same brown eyed girl just a little taller now, has the same dream, but only a child of her own this time.  This blog is meant to document our story, our journey through infertility and the one miraculous day when we are finally blessed with the ultimate gift of a child.  Welcome to our world and I hope you enjoy the ride as much as we do.