Josephine is 2 months old

Dear Josephine,

Two months new – how can it be? Each day you grow more beautiful and a little bigger, both in body and in spirit. You have learned our voices and faces, your name and you are now following mommy around the room with your eyes. Another Momma’s girl in the making! Your uncertain frowns have left your precious face and have now been replaced by a smile that lights up the room. There’s nothing quite like your smile. It heals my heart of any woes and makes me instantly happy. Just you and me and that bright-eyed smile of yours – nothing else in the world matters at that moment.

We have cherished every second of being your parents these last two months. You are something special and are a true treasure in our home. These days of cuddling your sweet body against my chest will be sorely missed one day, but for now, I’m breathing you in and enjoying every single quiet moment I have with you.

Here’s a peek into your world at 2 months new:

·      You still dislike tummy time – don’t all babies?! But despite that, you have very strong neck muscles from our version of tummy time on my chest. The doctor was surprised by the control you have already.

·      It took you longer to smile than it did your sisters. Not going to lie to you – mommy and daddy thought something might be wrong. Did we do something wrong? Is she not happy? And then one day, daddy got you to smile and you haven’t stopped! I literally jumped for joy that day. With one look in your eyes and one word spoken to you – you smile. It takes next to nothing to make your face light up. And that my dear makes me so very happy. I hope you will always be a happy, easy-going person, who is at peace with herself, because those traits will take you far in life.

·      Cooing – My little love, you have discovered your voice and love telling us stories. You have the sweetest little voice and it melts my heart when you talk back to me. I think we may have our third little chatter box.

·      Your legs continue to get stronger every day and you love to stand. We are amazed by your leg strength.  Oh and if you are fussy, we stand you up and you are once again a happy smiling baby.

·      It's evident now that you know your name and you do respond to mommy's voice. I can call your name and you will turn to face me or look up at me.

·      Your sleeping is still very inconsistent. You go to bed around 8:30 every night by falling asleep on one of our chests and from there, we never know what’s going to happen. You stopped waking in the night to feed, but you do need soothing. A soft place to land your head, a heartbeat and a firm pat on the back takes you back into a slumber in no time. Sometimes you sleep through the night and some nights you wake every 45 minutes for more soothing. We never know what the night will bring. Somedays we are well rested and some days Mommy is a zombie. No matter what the night brings, we are thankful to have you to care for.

·      During the day, you do still sleep quite a bit. Some days it still feels like you sleep 20 hours a day and other days we can keep you awake a little longer. You finally started yawning this month because you know what is like for your little body to be tired after being awake.

·      You are eating 4oz every 2-3 hours - about 6 bottles a day.  You can be happy, happy, happy and then all of a sudden start crying for that bottle.  You still don’t cry much, but did start to discover your voice and will voice your opinion if your tummy is not satisfied.

Two Month Stats:

9 lbs 6 oz (8%)

20" long (<1%)

You did amazingly well as you got your shots.  You were shocked and you cried for as long as it took the nurse to give them to you, but as soon as I picked you up, you were fine.  The rest of the day, you were a bit sleepy, but not fussy at all.  We were very fortunate.  

You are still in newborn clothes, but we finally did move you out of preemie diapers at one month and into newborn and/or size 1 diapers for month 2.

Josephine, each day with you is a true blessing and a true joy. I know you will grow up knowing this, but you are truly loved in the biggest way be our whole family. Your sisters have gotten the greatest joy out of watching you discover their world and do something new for the first time. It makes your mommy and daddy swell with pride too. My heart is full.

We love you so our little baby doll,

Mommy, Daddy, Emeline and Giselle

(and Oskar and George, too!)

Mother's Day

Dear, well... ME (because no one else is listening anymore at this point!!), 

I started this blog long ago when I yearned to be a mother. I had a burning desire deep in my heart unlike anything I'd ever felt before. It was all consuming. And when my story of becoming a mother didn't happen in my time frame or in my way - enter infertility, I had to grieve. I had a missing piece of my heart that I would never see. A child I dreamed of creating with my husband, would never be. Time heals all and that's exactly where I stand today. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty. It was a raw and very real way of grieving. During those years of infertility and adoption, Mother's Day was hard day for me. And honestly speaking, it still is. 

Today, I am a mother to 3 beautiful girls through the miracle of adoption. I am far more blessed than I ever dreamed. My journey to our girls has taught me more about myself than any experience I've lived through thus far. And for that alone I'm forever grateful. I'm forever changed to have witnessed 3 incredible women place their babies in my arms with poise and with peace knowing they made the best decision for their child. It's the ultimate act of true love. One I will never, for as long as I live, take for granted. I'm trying with every part of my being to raise these children in a way that would make each of them proud. Because to me, that's the only way I can begin to thank them for choosing me to be the mother of their children. After all, I would never be a mother if they didn't believe in me. This is my way of honoring them and I believe the only way to show them how deeply I love them - my girl's birthmothers. These women chose to give their children life in a world where it is far too easy to choose another path. Because of their choice, they will likely feel an excruciating loss and one they will feel in big and small ways for the rest of their lives. They chose what they believe to be a better life for their child and a chance at a better life for each of them. Their 3 stories are all very different, but this premise resonates true for each of them. The deep love and admiration I feel for each of these women runs deep in my soul and it's a part of my every day. So, when I fail as a mother, I feel like I've let them down in the worst of ways. 

Today, on Mother's Day, I feel their loss and even somedays I feel undeserving of these incredible little blessings that made me a mother. Lately, I feel like I've let our birthmothers down. As hard as I try, I am failing. I have given our girls every part of my being for nearly 5 years and I have made what I believe are the best choices for each child. And suddenly, what felt like out of nowhere, our perfect little family started slipping away from my grasps. Emeline has had some challenges this year that have rocked our world and ripped my heart in two - for her. I'm deeply saddened and no longer have the answers. I yearn to see my sweet girl again and will not stop searching for answers until I see the sparkle back in her eyes. I miss my Emeline so very much. 

I can't help but feel like I've been in this place before. This place of loss, searching for answers and holding onto hope with a death grip. The good news is, I've got this. We've got this. With love and togetherness, we can get through anything. And so, we begin... 

I will stop at nothing to be a mother each of our birth mothers would be proud of. One day should they desire to see their child again, I pray I raised them right and these precious girls grow to be someone each of these women are proud of. This is my greatest wish and main goal in this precious life of mine. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mothers out there - those whose children are today a dream, those whose children are in Heaven and those who will be holding onto their children a little tighter today. We all deserve to be celebrated because we are on the greatest journey of them all. 

With Love,

Ashley