Keeping the Faith

I’ve been delaying this post because I’m not really sure how I feel lately.  As I’ve experience throughout our fertility journey, each day I feel differently.  So here I am, very raw and very real.

We met with Dr. Dunn on Monday and I can’t say it was a “good” meeting, but it was a very proactive meeting.  Lots of questions were answered and over the last couple of days decisions have been made.  It turns out we only have one more shot (no pun intended) at IVF and that’s with yet again, one more medication added to my regimen that will help my follicles to grow.  For my fellow fertility friends reading, that medication is called Femara. 

And that’s it-one last effort to exhaust all resources.

Through Dr. Dunn’s recommendation, we have also decided to get a second opinion before we move forward with cycle #3.  All of us including Dr. Dunn want to be certain there is nothing more that can be done before “throwing in the towel” as Kris says.  Dr. Dunn gave us three recommendations of doctors that could be beneficial to us.  We researched those doctors, as well as our own choices and decided on Dr. McKenzie.  And just to clarify, Dr. McKenzie will just be giving us a second opinion.  We will still proceed with IVF through Dr. Dunn’s office.  We haven’t lost faith in his opinion or his abilities, but we will all sleep better at night knowing a few doctors have looked over our history and all have the same diagnosis.

In this same meeting, we also discussed our remaining options.  As we were already aware, there are many, but none ideal.  Kris and I decided in the beginning if we got to a point where IVF didn’t work, we would not be open to egg or sperm donation.  We continue to stand by our belief that our baby should have both of our DNA or neither.  So that leaves us with adoption and within adoption your have three choices-embryo adoption, international adoption and US adoption.  As of today, we are considering adoption in that order, but we all know that could change.

Here is where my raw emotions reside…

As I mentioned in the previous post, our hearts have become open to the idea of adoption, but this idea may soon become a reality.  At this moment, my heart is not at peace with this outcome, but I know in time I will find that place again.  I also know God granted me the unexplainable peace I felt before as our diagnosis was looking more and more dim, and I know He won’t give up on me now.

Dr. Dunn gave us a list of adoption agencies to simply look into.  And I did.  Turns out, I shouldn’t have.  As I read about each option, all I could imagine was heartache.  None of which was in our control.

Now I know our options and I’m going to file them away and focus on our last IVF cycle.  I’ve realized I don’t have to be okay with adoption just yet.  We aren’t quite there.  And if we do get there, I have faith my heart will be ready for adoption in a way that we’ve never wanted anything more.  These things just take time…