Picking Up The Pieces

To say I’m emotionally drained is an understatement.  This past week, I’ve been trying to grieve, understand and accept this loss of a biological child forever.  There have been several mornings I’ve woken up thinking this was all a bad dream only to realize the empty uneasy feeling in my stomach is telling me it’s real - this is my life and I have to accept it.

As you all know, Dr. Dunn called us on Friday with the report that none my eggs fertilized.  I had a total of five eggs, one of which was post mature, one of which degenerated immediately and three others that were viable to fertilize.  When I spoke with Dr. Dunn on Friday, he wanted to give my eggs one more night to see how they responded.  When he woke Saturday morning, he called the lab only to find out they all degenerated.  What this all means is, beyond endometriosis and diminished ovarian reserve, we now have discovered my eggs are of poor quality.  As miraculous as science, medicine and technology are today, there is nothing they can do for my egg quality. It’s officially time to move on…

I know we all handle grief in our own way and you may not understand this, but I don’t know how to properly take time to grieve.  I do know how to pick up the pieces and push forward to proactively make our dream of becoming a family a reality.  If I were to sit back and dwell on our situation, I would only feel sorry for myself and I would be in a much darker place than I am today.  Kris and I took the weekend to process our emotions and on Monday, I quickly got on the phone, scheduled several appointments and began researching our options.  We are very fortunate to have many choices in front of us and we certainly aren’t denying a single one of them.

This week, I have devoted myself to gaining as much information as I can on our options and what is best for our family.  On Tuesday, I met with Dr. McKenzie to discuss what happened since we last met and to receive a second opinion.  She whole heartedly agreed with Dr. Dunn and said with complete sincerity, “it’s time to move on”.  I think in order to completely close that door without looking back; I needed to hear it from one other person.  And strangely enough, it was a relief to hear another doctor say those words, because I knew in my heart it was time.

Today, I’m meeting with Dr. Dunn to review his findings since Saturday and to review our options on how to move forward.  He, as well as Dr. McKenzie are providing us with their recommended agencies and programs to research how we feel will best suit us to grow our family.

And next Thursday, we meet with a therapist for a one time educational consultation to discuss how we tell our family and friends of our decision and most importantly how we explain to our child his/her background.  This will also be a time to talk about our emotions and make sure we are processing and dealing with all of this in a healthy way.

Please bear with me during this time.  I apologize if I haven’t reached out to you quite yet or returned your phone call.  It’s all still so new and the wound is very fresh.  I love each of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love you’ve sent my way since Thursday.  Each day is getting easier, but I know only time will heal my heart from this loss.  I tell Kris everyday that I know right now is the hardest part and the day we make the final steps to bringing our baby into this world will be bitter-sweet, but the second that baby is in our arms all of this will be forgotten.  For now, that’s what I have to hold on to.