Maybe that's not what I wanted afterall...

We'll just call this a "let's be real" post - one where I share my innermost feelings with you.

This past week, I found myself 3 days late (I’m never late) and my mind spinning out of control.  I couldn’t sleep.  The chance that I could be pregnant was all I could think about.  What would this mean for us?  What would this mean for our adoption?  Would we even bring this baby home or would something happen?  I mean it when I say I thought of every outcome – good and bad.   

Of course I was thrilled at the possibility of even being pregnant, but terrified of all the challenges that a pregnancy could present.  Yes, I was told I can’t have children, but I believe in miracles and I’ll never give up on the possibility that it could happen one day. 

Well, on day 4, my period arrived and to be honest, I was sad as expected, but I was completely thrown off guard when I felt…

relieved.

After all we’ve been through over the last 2 ½ years, I realized I’m fearful of being pregnant at this point in my life and maybe that's not what I want afterall.  At least not now. 

Back in May when we were deciding how to move forward in our journey to parenthood, I received the best bit of advice.  A friend of a friend asked me, to ask ourselves, “Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be parents?”.  This question is not an easy one, but to Kris and I, the answer was crystal clear – we want to be parents.  That’s all we’ve ever wanted and it no longer mattered how we become parents.  This is when we realized adoption was our answer.

We don't know what the future holds for our family, but I can say with complete honestly that I’ve never felt more secure in our decision to adopt than I do today.  This week I learned an invaluable lesson that I've always known, but haven't always trusted - God’s plan is a perfect plan and only He knows what’s best for me.