A Look Back

On February 17th, one phone call from our caseworker saying we had been chosen by a birth mother, changed our lives forever.  Here is a look back on the events of the last three weeks.  We may not have been able to bring this baby home, but she will always be in our hearts.  Every March 8th, on her birthday, we will think of her and remember back on this time.
  
Her name is Ella Jane. We are still waiting to meet our Emeline...


One week after we got the call that we were chosen by a birth mom we left for Pittsburgh to meet her:

Right before we left to have dinner at The Melting Pot to meet the birth family. I'm not nervous at all - nope! 

A snowy afternoon in Pittsburgh.

And one week after we returned home; 2 days before her due date, our incredibly loving friends threw us this shower to celebrate our baby girl:

Oskar showing off his sister's bows!

On March 8th, the day of our daughter's arrival, we flew back up to Pittsburgh to bring her home:

Right when we landed in Pittsburgh I got a text with the most exciting news!  Our baby girl was born at 2:20 pm and weighed 8lbs and was 20in long.

The very next day we got to meet her.  Our hearts were overflowing with love.  We couldn't take our eyes off of her.  She was and is amazing in every way.  The precious moments we shared with her will never be forgotten.  We held her, kissed her, fed her, burped her, she smiled at us, stuck her tongue out at us and finally opened her eyes for us when it was just Kris, I and her birth mom in the room - everyone else had left.  It was a magical moment, one I can't erase from my memory no matter how hard I try. 

This picture breaks my heart. He was so in love and awe struck by his baby girl.  

As close as we've ever been to becoming a family.  

 After two hours of sleeping in our arms, she finally opened her eyes! 

These were our final moments with her.  

As we left, the final words of her birth mom and now mom were, "tomorrow you're going home with them".  And two hours later, we got the devastating call telling us that this wasn't actually the case. Our birth mom had decided to parent her baby girl. 

We hope Ella has an amazing life.  We know she is very loved no matter what, but it breaks our heart to know the kind of life we could have given this precious baby.  She deserves nothing but the absolute best. 

Her name is Ella Jane.  We still hold on to hope that we will meet our Emeline one day...

Heartbroken once again...

Today has been the absolute hardest day of our life.  And I hope it will always remain as so.  


We lost our daughter today - her birth mother decided to parent.  


As soon as I am able, I promise to write about our story. The past three weeks began as the most remarkable time in our life, but ended today in complete devastation.  Today we mourn the daughter we will never see again. The daughter we love with all our hearts.

A Valentine's Day for the books.

I LOVE THIS MAN.

He's not only my Valentine, but my everything. 

I'm now a firm believer that Valentine's Day should be celebrated in the comfort of your own home. No fancy overpriced dinners (that are never as good as if you visited any other day) and no crappy service because the restaurant is overcrowded and too busy to give you the service you deserve - just you and your love in the house you've made a home, together. 


Our Valentine's Day was perfect in every way. For us it's not only Valentine's Day, but the day our love story began. Nine years ago, Kris stole his first kiss and I've been head over heels ever since. 

My favorite color roses. 

Dinner by candlelight just the two of us. Oh and who could forget the mini schnauzers at our feet! 

Lobster Mac and Cheese - yummy!

Oskar stealing a kiss after dinner. 

George speaks with his eyes. Can you tell? 

My one and only.

After dinner, we decided to open presents. In the middle of opening my presents, Kris hands me a letter. He comes over to my seat on the bench, wraps his arms around me and begins to play 'A Woman Like You' by Lee Brice. Sweetest. Moment. Ever. I'll never forget it. 

Last Friday, we went to Fight Night (a marriage seminar of sorts) at our church with some friends and during the speech, we were taught three lessons. One lesson was called 'withholding' and the idea is to tell your spouse three things (2 positive and 1 negative) that you thought about them during the week and withheld due to life and busy schedules. Kris said he's been listening to this song and every time it comes on, he thinks of me and this was his 'withhold'. My heart melted...


My love note - 

Last night, outta the blue
Driftin' off to the evening news
You said "Honey, what would you do
If you'd never met me"
I just laughed, said "I don't know,
But I could take a couple guesses though"
And then tried to dig real deep,
Said, "Darling honestly...

I'd do a lot more offshore fishin'
I'd probably eat more drive-thru chicken
Take a few strokes off my golf game
If I'd have never known your name
I'd still be driving that old green 'Nova
I probably never would have heard of yoga
Be a better football fan
But if I was a single man
Alone and out there on the loose
Well I'd be looking for a woman like you."

I could tell that got her attention
So I said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention,
I wouldn't trade a single day
For 100 years the other way."
She just smiled and rolled her eyes,
Cause she's heard all of my lines
I said, "C'mon on girl, seriously
If I hadn't been so lucky

I'd be shootin' pool in my bachelor pad
Playing bass in my cover band
Restocking up cold Bud Light
For poker every Tuesday night, yeah
I'd have a dirtbike in the shed
And not one throw pillow on the bed
I'd keep my cash in a coffee can
But if I was a single man
Alone and out there on the loose
Well I'd be looking for a woman like you."

She knows what a mess I'd be if I didn't have her here
But to be sure, I whispered in her ear
"You know I get sick deep-sea fishin'
And you make the best fried chicken
I got a hopeless golf game
I love the sound of your name
I might miss that old green 'Nova
But I love watchin' you do yoga
I'd take a gold band on my hand
Over being a single man
Cause honestly I don't know what I'd do
If I'd never met a woman like you."

I love you my baby
Thank you for being you and exactly you
I wouldn’t change a thing about our life…

I won the husband lottery.

Nursery Sneak Peek!

Baby Simpson's nursery is well on its way to being complete! We have most of the big pieces in and are just awaiting/choosing the final details - curtains, artwork, bookshelf decor/storage, mobile, changing pad cover and rocking horse (I've been waiting 2 months already!). 

Here's a sneak peek into the serene space I’ve created for our baby. I can only hope this dreamy room soothes him or her in those rough late nights I’m anticipating.

Jana Epstein is an artist I discovered last April and I now have 3 of her pieces - I'm kind of a big fan! She shoots in film, processes her work and then uses Prisma colored pencils to add the pops of color you see here. Her artwork doesn't stop with the photograph either. Another reason I love her work! For the frame, she salvages antique ceiling tiles and distresses them to compliment the photograph. Each one of her pieces also comes with a story that she writes on the back. Anyway - I saw this photograph last April and I just knew I wanted it for the nursery. Kris surprised me with it for our anniversary and it has since been my inspiration for the entire room. 

Here is a vintage Pooh that I brought back from my New York trip. Right now he is all alone on the massive; yet to be decorated book shelf. 

Changing table and mirror - still missing the necessities i.e. changing pad and cover! 

This is what I like to call my "Mommy Corner". It's girly and cozy with an oh-so-comfy large chaise lounge. We have written 12 promises to our baby and as soon as I find a calligrapher, we will have them framed and hung above the chaise. Many wonderful memories will be made in this corner, from rocking my baby to sleep to reading stories together as a family - We can all fit! I just can't wait! 

Oh the light fixture... I love it so much and think it's beautiful, but it was a bit of a nightmare to hang! My sweet hubby surprised me and had it almost hung before I woke up one morning. I came in to help and as we were struggling to hang it (it's really heavy) one of the glass pieces fell out and shattered all over my new hardwood floors! Oh well. Now it's fixed, no damage was done and it just hangs there ever-so-beautifully and casts these wonderful shadows all over the room (you can kind of see it in the photo). 

The crib was Baby Simpson's first gift and it was a surprise from my parents. I love it and want to keep it forever. The bedding is Bella Notte and it just came in last week, but there was a mishap and the bumper came in the wrong fabric so... in 4-5 more weeks we will have the correct bumper that is a quilted silk velvet and the color is much richer. The bedding consists of a satin crib skirt with a linen crib skirt overlay and the silk velvet bumper. It's so soft and cozy I wish I could sleep in there! 

And that's all I have for now! As soon as the room is complete I'll be sure to post! 

Reality Check

I got a surprise call from an 817 area code today.

A call coming from Fort Worth.

It was a call from our caseworker!

As soon as I saw it was her, my heart began to race and my hands started shaking.  It was our first phone call from her ever (she usually just emails us for our monthly update).  This time, I just knew she had an exciting update for us and maybe, just maybe she had a birth mom that chose Kris and I.

Turns out she was just checking in after all…

BUT, the good news is, over the last month, 2 or 3 birth moms have found our online profile and called because they were interested in us!  None of those situations were good fits, but I can’t tell you how comforted Kris and I are by this news.  To know just one birth mom has called on our behalf is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  It’s a reality check.  Really any day the right birth mom could call and our lives will change forever. 

Today was a reminder that this is real; that we will have a baby. 

Maybe that's not what I wanted afterall...

We'll just call this a "let's be real" post - one where I share my innermost feelings with you.

This past week, I found myself 3 days late (I’m never late) and my mind spinning out of control.  I couldn’t sleep.  The chance that I could be pregnant was all I could think about.  What would this mean for us?  What would this mean for our adoption?  Would we even bring this baby home or would something happen?  I mean it when I say I thought of every outcome – good and bad.   

Of course I was thrilled at the possibility of even being pregnant, but terrified of all the challenges that a pregnancy could present.  Yes, I was told I can’t have children, but I believe in miracles and I’ll never give up on the possibility that it could happen one day. 

Well, on day 4, my period arrived and to be honest, I was sad as expected, but I was completely thrown off guard when I felt…

relieved.

After all we’ve been through over the last 2 ½ years, I realized I’m fearful of being pregnant at this point in my life and maybe that's not what I want afterall.  At least not now. 

Back in May when we were deciding how to move forward in our journey to parenthood, I received the best bit of advice.  A friend of a friend asked me, to ask ourselves, “Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be parents?”.  This question is not an easy one, but to Kris and I, the answer was crystal clear – we want to be parents.  That’s all we’ve ever wanted and it no longer mattered how we become parents.  This is when we realized adoption was our answer.

We don't know what the future holds for our family, but I can say with complete honestly that I’ve never felt more secure in our decision to adopt than I do today.  This week I learned an invaluable lesson that I've always known, but haven't always trusted - God’s plan is a perfect plan and only He knows what’s best for me. 

2011 - A Year in Pictures

Happy New Year - The start to 2011!

January - 2nd round of IVF (cancelled cycle)

February - Celebrating my 28th birthday in the hill country

March - Celebrating my dad's 60th birthday in the hill country 

March - Kris' mom came for a visit!

March 17th - 3rd (and final) round of IVF - made it to egg retrieval this time!  The next day we found out we cannot have children. This marks the hardest time in my life to date. 

March - Kris surprised me with my camera to help take my mind off of our heartache. It helped for sure!

Easter 2011

Mother's Day 2011


 
June - We started the adoption process!!



June - Oskar turned 6!



July - Trip to the Dominican Republic to celebrate our decision to adopt.



July - Family pictures for our profile book



August - George turned 3 and we completed our home study for the adoption.



September - Kris and I became board members for the Houston Gladney Family Association



September - We celebrated our 3rd anniversary in NOLA




October 1, 2011 - We are finally approved to adopt and our profile book is complete!




October - We attended our very first air show as volunteers for the USO. In May we became volunteers for the United Services Organization.



October - We began working on the nursery



November - We hosted our very first Thanksgiving with friends



November - Kris turned 29!



December - I took a girl's trip to NYC during Christmas time



Christmas Eve 2011



A Christmas Day toast - Merry Christmas!

 
 Happy 2012!!

It would be easy to look back at 2011 and say it was the worst year of my life.  But the truth is; I refuse to look at it that way, so… it wasn't.  2011 will always hold a special place in my heart.  It was a year that began with harsh realities and tough decisions, but it ended with blessings in disguise, immense personal growth and marital strength and the motto 'hard work always pays off' has never rang more true (haven't been able to share this news with you yet, but hopefully soon!).  As I look back at these pictures, I can’t help but be grateful for all the blessings that came from such a dynamic year in my life.

I look forward to 2012, but I know the tough road is not behind us yet – it won’t be until our baby comes home.  I just know in my heart of hearts that this is the year we will become parents and for that – I can’t wait! 

Happy New Year!  May this year bring all the desires of your heart.