"A Little Bit Stronger"

I know my heart will never be the same

But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

Most of you have probably heard this song by Sara Evans.  I don’t really listen to country anymore, but came across this song recently.  The song doesn’t pertain to my situation, but I can’t help but think the chorus portrays exactly how I’m feeling.  I continue to have my good days and my bad days, along with my moments of weakness and moments of sheer strength and determination.  And Kris and I continue to hold onto hope that we will one day bring children into this world somehow, someway.

For now, we are mourning the biological children we cannot have and deciding (given our situation) what we really want within our realistic possibilities.  Do we want to experience pregnancy by borrowing genetic material (egg/sperm donation) or adopt a baby and give that child a life they couldn’t otherwise have?  As I write this, the latter sounds much more appealing, but it doesn’t come without mountains to climb, countless risks and plenty of potential heartache that today, I cannot fathom.  We have opened our hearts to God and are looking for signs to pull us in the right direction. So for now, we wait and we pray.

You know you married the right person when...

Despite all odds, he can still make you happy when you find yourself the saddest you’ve ever been. 

Our journey through infertility has been the most difficult challenge our marriage has been faced with yet and because of it, we are now stronger and closer than ever.  Although tears have been shed and our hearts have been broken; I wouldn't trade where we are today for anything.

Picking Up The Pieces

To say I’m emotionally drained is an understatement.  This past week, I’ve been trying to grieve, understand and accept this loss of a biological child forever.  There have been several mornings I’ve woken up thinking this was all a bad dream only to realize the empty uneasy feeling in my stomach is telling me it’s real - this is my life and I have to accept it.

As you all know, Dr. Dunn called us on Friday with the report that none my eggs fertilized.  I had a total of five eggs, one of which was post mature, one of which degenerated immediately and three others that were viable to fertilize.  When I spoke with Dr. Dunn on Friday, he wanted to give my eggs one more night to see how they responded.  When he woke Saturday morning, he called the lab only to find out they all degenerated.  What this all means is, beyond endometriosis and diminished ovarian reserve, we now have discovered my eggs are of poor quality.  As miraculous as science, medicine and technology are today, there is nothing they can do for my egg quality. It’s officially time to move on…

I know we all handle grief in our own way and you may not understand this, but I don’t know how to properly take time to grieve.  I do know how to pick up the pieces and push forward to proactively make our dream of becoming a family a reality.  If I were to sit back and dwell on our situation, I would only feel sorry for myself and I would be in a much darker place than I am today.  Kris and I took the weekend to process our emotions and on Monday, I quickly got on the phone, scheduled several appointments and began researching our options.  We are very fortunate to have many choices in front of us and we certainly aren’t denying a single one of them.

This week, I have devoted myself to gaining as much information as I can on our options and what is best for our family.  On Tuesday, I met with Dr. McKenzie to discuss what happened since we last met and to receive a second opinion.  She whole heartedly agreed with Dr. Dunn and said with complete sincerity, “it’s time to move on”.  I think in order to completely close that door without looking back; I needed to hear it from one other person.  And strangely enough, it was a relief to hear another doctor say those words, because I knew in my heart it was time.

Today, I’m meeting with Dr. Dunn to review his findings since Saturday and to review our options on how to move forward.  He, as well as Dr. McKenzie are providing us with their recommended agencies and programs to research how we feel will best suit us to grow our family.

And next Thursday, we meet with a therapist for a one time educational consultation to discuss how we tell our family and friends of our decision and most importantly how we explain to our child his/her background.  This will also be a time to talk about our emotions and make sure we are processing and dealing with all of this in a healthy way.

Please bear with me during this time.  I apologize if I haven’t reached out to you quite yet or returned your phone call.  It’s all still so new and the wound is very fresh.  I love each of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love you’ve sent my way since Thursday.  Each day is getting easier, but I know only time will heal my heart from this loss.  I tell Kris everyday that I know right now is the hardest part and the day we make the final steps to bringing our baby into this world will be bitter-sweet, but the second that baby is in our arms all of this will be forgotten.  For now, that’s what I have to hold on to.

Where do we go from here?

We got word nearly two hours ago, that none of our embryos fertilized – nothing.  Kris and I are still in shock and the sadness and despair we feel is deeper than we envisioned.  Where do you turn when you have everything you dreamed of in life except the one thing that means the most; the one thing you’ve wanted above all else?

On Pins and Needles

As I’m writing this, the minutes pass by like hours and my stomach is tied in knots.  It’s 11:18am and still no word from my nurse, Gloria.  It’s not that she should have called by now, but that I needed her to have called by now.  My post-op paperwork says if you haven’t heard anything by 1:00pm, then to give my nurse a call.  In the meantime, my hope is that no news is good news.

As you all know, yesterday went really well.  My egg retrieval went smoothly and Dr. Dunn was able to retrieve 5 eggs.  At this time, we are still uncertain of the size of my eggs, but Dr. Dunn seemed to be happy with them. 

Other than losing my short-term memory while in recovery, I did really well for my first time under anesthesia.  I repeated questions 5-10 times over an hour and a half time period (but who’s counting!).  Kris tried so hard to pretend he was answering my questions like it was the first time I asked them, without smiling or laughing (as if I would remember).  Funny thing is; I thought I was sleeping the whole time in recovery and it turns out I never slept, but spoke coherently the entire time. That blows my mind!  Kris said I would close my eyes every once in a while and open them only to be startled and have no idea where I was.  Once I had a grasp on where I was, I would excitedly ask how many eggs and how many motile sperm he had.  My poor husband…  

Actually, I take that back! He was fortunate (actually, we both were) and escaped surgery, because his semen sample was good!  Again, we don’t know the details yet, other than he had 10 motile sperm counted before we left, which is twice as many as we needed. 

Although we are both very nervous to receive this first phone call, we are filled with so much hope that this is our time; that our baby was conceived last night.

Here are a few photos from our special St. Paddy's Day:



This is me soon after the egg retrieval. Things moved quickly once we arrived so we couldn't get a 'before' picture.




I  can't remember this photo, but I'm glad we have it! A super excited Daddy-to-be!



I woke up from my nap to new running boards!

Thanks Dad and Kris!

Happiest of St. Patrick's Days!

Over the last few weeks, I really struggled with making a decision on how to move forward with IVF.  Do we continue on with Dr. Dunn for a third round or do we start fresh and make the switch to Dr. McKenzie whom we highly respected as well?  The two doctors offered very different protocols for round three and each doctor presented them very persuasively.  However, they both respectfully disagreed with the other and that made for a very difficult decision.  So, who do I choose and how do I know which move is right for us?  The answer is; I had no idea.  We decided at the very last second, to continue on with Dr. Dunn for many reasons.  We value his honesty and his integrity, we have already paid for our IVF cycle that we have yet to complete, and he gave factual information on why he did not think Dr. McKenzie’s protocol would work for me. 

The truth above all else is; I listened to my gut as I have throughout this whole process.

So, the following day after making the final decision, I started Femara.  I fully understood that I was 1 of 5-10% of Dr. Dunn’s patients with diminished ovarian reserve and out of those patients only 5-10% of us actually respond to Femara.  It was a definite risk and Kris and I are beyond thrilled that we took the chance. Because…

IT WORKED!

We are happy to announce I go in for my egg retrieval on St. Patrick’s Day at 7:45am!  I would say, may the ‘luck of the Irish’ be upon us, but I recently read that it actually means bad luck or ill fortune.  I also read someone’s personal definition of the term that I could really appreciate.  To this person and now me, ‘Luck of the Irish’ means to be lucky at heart from the support of family and friends.  Each of you have seen us through the good times and held us together through the rough times and that is truly the ‘Pot of Gold’ at the end of my rainbow.

Once again, thank you all for your constant love and support when we have needed you most. We are still hoping for a miracle and need your prayers and support more than ever as we finally have this amazing opportunity in front of us.  Kris and I promise to keep you informed in the coming days as we know more, but for now, pray, pray, pray for Baby Simpson!  May this be a St. Paddy's Day we will never forget.

Keeping the Faith

I’ve been delaying this post because I’m not really sure how I feel lately.  As I’ve experience throughout our fertility journey, each day I feel differently.  So here I am, very raw and very real.

We met with Dr. Dunn on Monday and I can’t say it was a “good” meeting, but it was a very proactive meeting.  Lots of questions were answered and over the last couple of days decisions have been made.  It turns out we only have one more shot (no pun intended) at IVF and that’s with yet again, one more medication added to my regimen that will help my follicles to grow.  For my fellow fertility friends reading, that medication is called Femara. 

And that’s it-one last effort to exhaust all resources.

Through Dr. Dunn’s recommendation, we have also decided to get a second opinion before we move forward with cycle #3.  All of us including Dr. Dunn want to be certain there is nothing more that can be done before “throwing in the towel” as Kris says.  Dr. Dunn gave us three recommendations of doctors that could be beneficial to us.  We researched those doctors, as well as our own choices and decided on Dr. McKenzie.  And just to clarify, Dr. McKenzie will just be giving us a second opinion.  We will still proceed with IVF through Dr. Dunn’s office.  We haven’t lost faith in his opinion or his abilities, but we will all sleep better at night knowing a few doctors have looked over our history and all have the same diagnosis.

In this same meeting, we also discussed our remaining options.  As we were already aware, there are many, but none ideal.  Kris and I decided in the beginning if we got to a point where IVF didn’t work, we would not be open to egg or sperm donation.  We continue to stand by our belief that our baby should have both of our DNA or neither.  So that leaves us with adoption and within adoption your have three choices-embryo adoption, international adoption and US adoption.  As of today, we are considering adoption in that order, but we all know that could change.

Here is where my raw emotions reside…

As I mentioned in the previous post, our hearts have become open to the idea of adoption, but this idea may soon become a reality.  At this moment, my heart is not at peace with this outcome, but I know in time I will find that place again.  I also know God granted me the unexplainable peace I felt before as our diagnosis was looking more and more dim, and I know He won’t give up on me now.

Dr. Dunn gave us a list of adoption agencies to simply look into.  And I did.  Turns out, I shouldn’t have.  As I read about each option, all I could imagine was heartache.  None of which was in our control.

Now I know our options and I’m going to file them away and focus on our last IVF cycle.  I’ve realized I don’t have to be okay with adoption just yet.  We aren’t quite there.  And if we do get there, I have faith my heart will be ready for adoption in a way that we’ve never wanted anything more.  These things just take time…