"Love is all you need"

Sorry to leave you all in the dark.  I left that one little line to get the word out a week ago and never looked back. 

Kris and I are actually handling all of this amazingly well.  We are stronger now individually than we ever thought we would be, but more importantly, our marriage is better than ever.  We had our weak moment after the first cycle was cancelled, but it turns out that was the challenge we needed to overcome to unite us.

After we got word our cycle was cancelled, I just needed a day (Thursday) to myself.  I didn’t talk to anyone.  I barely spoke to Kris until he got home that night-somehow he just knew I needed some alone time.  I spent the day cleaning and thinking of anything other than our situation.  If you know me, then you know I like to clean as my stress reliever.  And of course a little shopping never hurt anyone!  To me, there’s little better than a sparkly clean house with all the candles burning…

We didn’t actually sit down and talk about how we were feeling until Friday night.  We both needed time to absorb.  That night, we had a wonderful dinner and an even better evening at home when Kris turned our house into a wine bar-swanky music and all!  And over a nice bottle of Pinot Gris, we poured our hearts out to each other…

I’ve learned very quickly in this process that I should listen to my gut-my very first instinct.  A friend recently told me that your gut instinct is Gods way of talking to you.  And maybe she’s right!  It just so happens, Kris’ gut is giving him the same feeling.

And that is…

Maybe we are rushing this.  Maybe this isn’t the right time for us to have a biological child.  Individually, we both have severe problems to prevent us from having a baby naturally, but are they really that severe that it could NEVER happen?  We don’t believe so. 

Kris and I aren’t making any decisions on how to move forward until we talk to Dr. Dunn on Monday, but we do know that we don’t have many more IVF cycles in us.  Emotionally, physically and financially, IVF is draining.  Our life seems to be hanging in the balances of IVF and it’s getting old.  Six months of, “can I drink this?” or “can I go to hot yoga today” or “can we leave for vacation right now” is really starting to wear on us.

We want a baby to love unconditionally more than anything and to us; it doesn’t matter if that baby has our DNA.  I’m not saying we are giving up on a biologically child forever, but recently our hearts have really been open to the idea of adoption.  Back when Kris and I were dating, we talked about adoption one day in addition to our biological children and we liked the idea.  Maybe now we will just have adopted children and maybe one day a surprise biological child!  Either way, they are ours to raise and love will all that we are and that’s all that matters.  In the end, “love is all you need”.

History Repeats Itself...

My cycle was cancelled once again for similar reasons as before.

We Live to Fight another Day…

As my husband so eloquently defines our situation.  On Saturday, we went in for my first ultrasound and blood work appointment since starting the injections.  Since it was Saturday, there was an on-call nurse instead of my regular nurse, Gloria and Dr. Dunn was enjoying his weekend at home as well.  I give you these details only because the on-call nurse gave me some worrisome days and sleepless nights this weekend.  I won’t bore you with the details, but there was one particular mature follicle that gave the on-call nurse a reason for concern.  After my blood work came in, she called Dr. Dunn and reported back to me that we were at risk on cancelling the cycle if things didn’t look better on Monday.  I know there must have been some miscommunication along the way, because what she told me that morning and what she told me that afternoon were complete contradictions.  Nevertheless, I had some unsettling emotions the whole weekend and the “what-ifs” started playing in my mind again.  Plan B is in motion right now, so if this cycle were to be cancelled, we would have to move on to Plan C.  As of now, we don’t have a Plan C, but Dr. Dunn anticipates that Plan C will unlikely involve a biological child.  I hope you can understand my fears this early in the process.  Kris and I aren’t ready to give up the fight for a miniature Kris; chunky with stark black hair and a grin from ear-to-ear or a miniature me; again chubby, with a head full of hair and a button nose.  Can’t you just see him or her now?

Here’s the good news-I spoke with Gloria, my regular nurse this afternoon and I now have 7 measurable follicles that are still small, but my estrogen is high which means the follicles will hopefully increase in size this week.  The one mature follicle we were originally concerned about was actually mature before we even began the medications, so we are to completely disregard that follicle.  If my follicles do mature this week, I will have an egg retrieval early next week and Kris will have a testicular biopsy to remove his sperm that same day.  And then…we wait for a miracle!  We know each day is a fight and each day a blessing, so for now...we live to fight another day.

Round 2

 I started injections on Monday! 

Four shots a day is my new regimen and I couldn’t be more excited about it!  I’m also doing acupuncture twice a week to increase blood flow to my uterus and make my body more responsive to the medications.  I believe in acupuncture, (and the power of prayer), because this time I had 9 follicles at my baseline ultrasound-2 more than last week and 2 more than the previous cycle.  This cycle just feels different; it feels right.  I’m beginning this IVF cycle with 2 more follicles than previously, I’m actively doing acupuncture and I’m on nearly double the dosage of medication than I was before. 

Kris and I are increasingly positive about IVF cycle number 2, but we are also guarding our hearts, because we learned from the last cycle that really anything can happen when you least expect it.  On the other hand, lately I’ve felt this unexplainable peace inside and I no longer worry about the future.  What I do know is, I have an amazing man to share my life with and one day we will bring a baby into our world.  We just have too much love to give.

Thank you all for your constant support and daily prayers.  It means the world to us to have so many loved ones rooting for our dream to come true.  Thank you also for your listening ear and kind words of encouragement.  We love you all dearly!

Moving Forward, but NOT Moving On

The longer our fertility journey goes on, the more I realize I need to move forward with my life.  This past year has solely been about mine and Kris’ fertility.  I’ve devoted myself to research, doctor’s appointments and changing every aspect of my life that I can to help improve our success.  Now, I’m not moving on from those goals, I’m just moving forward and devoting myself to something else I hold near and dear to my heart…animals.  Volunteering at an animal shelter has been something I have wanted to do ever since I left my job.  Month after month, I continued putting it off because in my mind, I would be pregnant very soon and because of the many diseases these rescue dogs sadly have; it’s not a place for a pregnant woman.   I’ve now put my selfishness aside for a greater cause.  I want to give these poor innocent animals a chance at life and I know one person can make a difference.  Starting in January, I will be volunteering 3 days a week at 2 animal rescue organizations.

Corridor Rescue Inc.

http://www.corridorrescue.org/

There is a place on the Northeast side of town, entirely too close to home for comfort, off 59 and Little York named the Corridor of Cruelty and Neglect.  A place so inhumane it’s nauseating.  This area of town is the dividing line between the county and city Animal Controls, so no one is coming to rescue or relieve these poor innocent animals from their pain and suffering.  They are sent to a life of wandering around aimlessly, starving, disease ridden and often times abused.  Many of the people in this area throw away these animals as if they are garbage and think nothing more of it.  It is the mission of this organization and now mine, to save lives and correct this injustice to hundreds of physically and emotionally damaged animals.

For the Corridor Rescue Inc., I will be both a feed station volunteer and a dog visitor.  As a feed station volunteer, I will go out to 59 and Little York (with someone else for safety) and give these animals food and water.  The organization has feed stations for two miles throughout this corridor and the dogs we find are fed daily.  It will be my duty to document the dogs we encounter that day and email the other volunteers.  That volunteer’s job is to then find the funds needed to rescue the animals and then find the appropriate animal shelter, vet clinic or foster home.  I know it may sound like a long process, but because of Facebook and other online resources, we can reach a vast amount of people quickly and bring these doggies home.  

My second volunteer job with CRI will be a dog visitor.  Once the dogs are rescued, some will be placed in Abbott’s Animal Clinic, where I will visit and show them what it is like to be loved and cared for the first time in their lives.  Because I am a feed station volunteer and a dog visitor, I will be able to watch these dogs transform into pets ready for their forever homes.  I chose this job, because I believe in this process, I believe we can rescue a dog, sad, scared and abused and give him/her a chance at a real life. I’ve watched many success stories from this organization over the past year and it’s amazing to see the transformations.  Dogs quickly losing their fight to stay alive are rescued just in time and through medicine, training and lots of nurturing, they become happy, fun loving pets with a new life and a new family.

Volunteers for Animal Protection-VAP

www.VAPadoptions.org

VAP is a similar organization to CRI, where they rescue, rehabilitate and then place these dogs and cats in their forever homes.  For VAP, I will be a dog visitor as well and provide food, water and love to the animals until they are adopted.

I’m looking forward to moving forward and having a new focus in my life.  Our fertility will always be my number one focus until we bring a baby into this world, but I need more meaning in my life right now.  I have the time and resources to make a difference and I need to make a difference.

Two Negatives Make a Positive

The words “severe male, low ovarian reserve” are five words I can’t seem to get out of my head.  We saw Dr. Dunn on Wednesday to go over what went wrong and to discuss our new plan of attack.  Once we sat down in his office, he showed us his computer screen with the results of my blood work and ultrasounds over the past couple of weeks.  At the top of the screen was his diagnosis and it read those five simple words that I can’t move on from, “severe male, low ovarian reserve”.  How do two negative words like “severe” and “low” somehow turn into something positive?  By praying for a miracle, that’s how. 

Since the new discovery of my low ovarian reserve, we have decided to be as aggressive as possible for the second round.  I will be on the same medications as before, just on the highest dosage possible.  My dosage will be increased by 50% and we have no idea how it will affect me or if it will even work, but it is a risk Kris and I are willing to take.  Our new plan is to start birth control right after I start my period and two weeks from that point go in for an ultrasound.  This ultrasound is my baseline ultrasound and it will tell Dr. Dunn how many follicles I have to start with before any medication is introduced into my system.  If I have less than 8 follicles to begin with, then I will be on birth control for one more week, followed by another ultrasound.  If at that point I have 8 or more follicles, we will move on with the injections.  However, if again I have less than 8 follicles, the cycle will be cancelled before I start the injections and we will repeat the same cycle until we get the results we are hoping for.  At my baseline ultrasound a month ago, I started the cycle with 7 follicles, so in my mind, 8 follicles will be an easy goal to achieve.  Dr. Dunn joked about praying over my ovaries, but we may just do that!  For now, Kris and I have to continually strive to believe that our two negative diagnoses’s can give us a positive pregnancy test.  Two negatives make a positive, right?

Never Lose Hope

After 17 injections, 10 blood tests, 6 ultrasounds and 1 acupuncture appointment (20 more needles); our IVF cycle has been cancelled.  Much to our dismay, my body was not responding like it should for my age to the medication.  At this point in the cycle, I should have had 5 “good” follicles, yet I only had 3 follicles total and only 1 “good” one.  My estrogen levels were rising just as they should have, but I wasn’t producing the follicles I needed to.  It could have just been a bad cycle for me, but we won’t know for certain until we try round 2.  One of Dr. Dunn’s nurses said the first round of IVF is really just an experiment; it’s a trial and error game of not knowing how your body will respond to the medication prescribed.  The good news is Dr. Dunn is creating a new plan of attack with all new medications.  My body knows what to do now, so with any hope, our second round will be easier.  We see Dr. Dunn again in two weeks and we will have a more definite plan and timeline.  However, with the holidays and our family trip to Tahoe fast approaching, we may not be able to move forward until after the New Year.

Kris and I are really saddened and disappointed by this news.  We had prepared ourselves for an unsuccessful round of IVF, but we weren’t prepared to not even be given the opportunity to complete one full round.  It’s difficult to not get discouraged by the new developments, while knowing we already had such a hard fight ahead of us, but we won’t give up and we won’t lose hope.  As we go further and further down this path, I realize my blog title “Road to Hope” is very appropriately labeled.  As strongly as Kris and I believe we have faith and hope at that moment, it can so quickly be taken away from us with one test, one phone call.  Our “road to hope” will be a constant struggle, a constant fight, but we will never give up on our dream and never lose hope. 

"Hope is something very abstract. It can't be quantified, and, at times, it can't be explained.
But it's important. Never lose hope in the world. Never lose hope in humanity. Never lose hope in your loved ones. Never lose hope in yourself. Never lose hope that things will get better.
As long as there is life, there is hope. And where there's hope, there is life.
Hope gives us strength. Hope gives us something to look forward to, something to hold on to. As long as you have hope in your heart, anything is possible.
Hope is essential to a happy and fulfilling life. Never lose hope."