Keeping the Faith

I’ve been delaying this post because I’m not really sure how I feel lately.  As I’ve experience throughout our fertility journey, each day I feel differently.  So here I am, very raw and very real.

We met with Dr. Dunn on Monday and I can’t say it was a “good” meeting, but it was a very proactive meeting.  Lots of questions were answered and over the last couple of days decisions have been made.  It turns out we only have one more shot (no pun intended) at IVF and that’s with yet again, one more medication added to my regimen that will help my follicles to grow.  For my fellow fertility friends reading, that medication is called Femara. 

And that’s it-one last effort to exhaust all resources.

Through Dr. Dunn’s recommendation, we have also decided to get a second opinion before we move forward with cycle #3.  All of us including Dr. Dunn want to be certain there is nothing more that can be done before “throwing in the towel” as Kris says.  Dr. Dunn gave us three recommendations of doctors that could be beneficial to us.  We researched those doctors, as well as our own choices and decided on Dr. McKenzie.  And just to clarify, Dr. McKenzie will just be giving us a second opinion.  We will still proceed with IVF through Dr. Dunn’s office.  We haven’t lost faith in his opinion or his abilities, but we will all sleep better at night knowing a few doctors have looked over our history and all have the same diagnosis.

In this same meeting, we also discussed our remaining options.  As we were already aware, there are many, but none ideal.  Kris and I decided in the beginning if we got to a point where IVF didn’t work, we would not be open to egg or sperm donation.  We continue to stand by our belief that our baby should have both of our DNA or neither.  So that leaves us with adoption and within adoption your have three choices-embryo adoption, international adoption and US adoption.  As of today, we are considering adoption in that order, but we all know that could change.

Here is where my raw emotions reside…

As I mentioned in the previous post, our hearts have become open to the idea of adoption, but this idea may soon become a reality.  At this moment, my heart is not at peace with this outcome, but I know in time I will find that place again.  I also know God granted me the unexplainable peace I felt before as our diagnosis was looking more and more dim, and I know He won’t give up on me now.

Dr. Dunn gave us a list of adoption agencies to simply look into.  And I did.  Turns out, I shouldn’t have.  As I read about each option, all I could imagine was heartache.  None of which was in our control.

Now I know our options and I’m going to file them away and focus on our last IVF cycle.  I’ve realized I don’t have to be okay with adoption just yet.  We aren’t quite there.  And if we do get there, I have faith my heart will be ready for adoption in a way that we’ve never wanted anything more.  These things just take time…

"Love is all you need"

Sorry to leave you all in the dark.  I left that one little line to get the word out a week ago and never looked back. 

Kris and I are actually handling all of this amazingly well.  We are stronger now individually than we ever thought we would be, but more importantly, our marriage is better than ever.  We had our weak moment after the first cycle was cancelled, but it turns out that was the challenge we needed to overcome to unite us.

After we got word our cycle was cancelled, I just needed a day (Thursday) to myself.  I didn’t talk to anyone.  I barely spoke to Kris until he got home that night-somehow he just knew I needed some alone time.  I spent the day cleaning and thinking of anything other than our situation.  If you know me, then you know I like to clean as my stress reliever.  And of course a little shopping never hurt anyone!  To me, there’s little better than a sparkly clean house with all the candles burning…

We didn’t actually sit down and talk about how we were feeling until Friday night.  We both needed time to absorb.  That night, we had a wonderful dinner and an even better evening at home when Kris turned our house into a wine bar-swanky music and all!  And over a nice bottle of Pinot Gris, we poured our hearts out to each other…

I’ve learned very quickly in this process that I should listen to my gut-my very first instinct.  A friend recently told me that your gut instinct is Gods way of talking to you.  And maybe she’s right!  It just so happens, Kris’ gut is giving him the same feeling.

And that is…

Maybe we are rushing this.  Maybe this isn’t the right time for us to have a biological child.  Individually, we both have severe problems to prevent us from having a baby naturally, but are they really that severe that it could NEVER happen?  We don’t believe so. 

Kris and I aren’t making any decisions on how to move forward until we talk to Dr. Dunn on Monday, but we do know that we don’t have many more IVF cycles in us.  Emotionally, physically and financially, IVF is draining.  Our life seems to be hanging in the balances of IVF and it’s getting old.  Six months of, “can I drink this?” or “can I go to hot yoga today” or “can we leave for vacation right now” is really starting to wear on us.

We want a baby to love unconditionally more than anything and to us; it doesn’t matter if that baby has our DNA.  I’m not saying we are giving up on a biologically child forever, but recently our hearts have really been open to the idea of adoption.  Back when Kris and I were dating, we talked about adoption one day in addition to our biological children and we liked the idea.  Maybe now we will just have adopted children and maybe one day a surprise biological child!  Either way, they are ours to raise and love will all that we are and that’s all that matters.  In the end, “love is all you need”.

History Repeats Itself...

My cycle was cancelled once again for similar reasons as before.

We Live to Fight another Day…

As my husband so eloquently defines our situation.  On Saturday, we went in for my first ultrasound and blood work appointment since starting the injections.  Since it was Saturday, there was an on-call nurse instead of my regular nurse, Gloria and Dr. Dunn was enjoying his weekend at home as well.  I give you these details only because the on-call nurse gave me some worrisome days and sleepless nights this weekend.  I won’t bore you with the details, but there was one particular mature follicle that gave the on-call nurse a reason for concern.  After my blood work came in, she called Dr. Dunn and reported back to me that we were at risk on cancelling the cycle if things didn’t look better on Monday.  I know there must have been some miscommunication along the way, because what she told me that morning and what she told me that afternoon were complete contradictions.  Nevertheless, I had some unsettling emotions the whole weekend and the “what-ifs” started playing in my mind again.  Plan B is in motion right now, so if this cycle were to be cancelled, we would have to move on to Plan C.  As of now, we don’t have a Plan C, but Dr. Dunn anticipates that Plan C will unlikely involve a biological child.  I hope you can understand my fears this early in the process.  Kris and I aren’t ready to give up the fight for a miniature Kris; chunky with stark black hair and a grin from ear-to-ear or a miniature me; again chubby, with a head full of hair and a button nose.  Can’t you just see him or her now?

Here’s the good news-I spoke with Gloria, my regular nurse this afternoon and I now have 7 measurable follicles that are still small, but my estrogen is high which means the follicles will hopefully increase in size this week.  The one mature follicle we were originally concerned about was actually mature before we even began the medications, so we are to completely disregard that follicle.  If my follicles do mature this week, I will have an egg retrieval early next week and Kris will have a testicular biopsy to remove his sperm that same day.  And then…we wait for a miracle!  We know each day is a fight and each day a blessing, so for now...we live to fight another day.

Round 2

 I started injections on Monday! 

Four shots a day is my new regimen and I couldn’t be more excited about it!  I’m also doing acupuncture twice a week to increase blood flow to my uterus and make my body more responsive to the medications.  I believe in acupuncture, (and the power of prayer), because this time I had 9 follicles at my baseline ultrasound-2 more than last week and 2 more than the previous cycle.  This cycle just feels different; it feels right.  I’m beginning this IVF cycle with 2 more follicles than previously, I’m actively doing acupuncture and I’m on nearly double the dosage of medication than I was before. 

Kris and I are increasingly positive about IVF cycle number 2, but we are also guarding our hearts, because we learned from the last cycle that really anything can happen when you least expect it.  On the other hand, lately I’ve felt this unexplainable peace inside and I no longer worry about the future.  What I do know is, I have an amazing man to share my life with and one day we will bring a baby into our world.  We just have too much love to give.

Thank you all for your constant support and daily prayers.  It means the world to us to have so many loved ones rooting for our dream to come true.  Thank you also for your listening ear and kind words of encouragement.  We love you all dearly!

Moving Forward, but NOT Moving On

The longer our fertility journey goes on, the more I realize I need to move forward with my life.  This past year has solely been about mine and Kris’ fertility.  I’ve devoted myself to research, doctor’s appointments and changing every aspect of my life that I can to help improve our success.  Now, I’m not moving on from those goals, I’m just moving forward and devoting myself to something else I hold near and dear to my heart…animals.  Volunteering at an animal shelter has been something I have wanted to do ever since I left my job.  Month after month, I continued putting it off because in my mind, I would be pregnant very soon and because of the many diseases these rescue dogs sadly have; it’s not a place for a pregnant woman.   I’ve now put my selfishness aside for a greater cause.  I want to give these poor innocent animals a chance at life and I know one person can make a difference.  Starting in January, I will be volunteering 3 days a week at 2 animal rescue organizations.

Corridor Rescue Inc.

http://www.corridorrescue.org/

There is a place on the Northeast side of town, entirely too close to home for comfort, off 59 and Little York named the Corridor of Cruelty and Neglect.  A place so inhumane it’s nauseating.  This area of town is the dividing line between the county and city Animal Controls, so no one is coming to rescue or relieve these poor innocent animals from their pain and suffering.  They are sent to a life of wandering around aimlessly, starving, disease ridden and often times abused.  Many of the people in this area throw away these animals as if they are garbage and think nothing more of it.  It is the mission of this organization and now mine, to save lives and correct this injustice to hundreds of physically and emotionally damaged animals.

For the Corridor Rescue Inc., I will be both a feed station volunteer and a dog visitor.  As a feed station volunteer, I will go out to 59 and Little York (with someone else for safety) and give these animals food and water.  The organization has feed stations for two miles throughout this corridor and the dogs we find are fed daily.  It will be my duty to document the dogs we encounter that day and email the other volunteers.  That volunteer’s job is to then find the funds needed to rescue the animals and then find the appropriate animal shelter, vet clinic or foster home.  I know it may sound like a long process, but because of Facebook and other online resources, we can reach a vast amount of people quickly and bring these doggies home.  

My second volunteer job with CRI will be a dog visitor.  Once the dogs are rescued, some will be placed in Abbott’s Animal Clinic, where I will visit and show them what it is like to be loved and cared for the first time in their lives.  Because I am a feed station volunteer and a dog visitor, I will be able to watch these dogs transform into pets ready for their forever homes.  I chose this job, because I believe in this process, I believe we can rescue a dog, sad, scared and abused and give him/her a chance at a real life. I’ve watched many success stories from this organization over the past year and it’s amazing to see the transformations.  Dogs quickly losing their fight to stay alive are rescued just in time and through medicine, training and lots of nurturing, they become happy, fun loving pets with a new life and a new family.

Volunteers for Animal Protection-VAP

www.VAPadoptions.org

VAP is a similar organization to CRI, where they rescue, rehabilitate and then place these dogs and cats in their forever homes.  For VAP, I will be a dog visitor as well and provide food, water and love to the animals until they are adopted.

I’m looking forward to moving forward and having a new focus in my life.  Our fertility will always be my number one focus until we bring a baby into this world, but I need more meaning in my life right now.  I have the time and resources to make a difference and I need to make a difference.

Two Negatives Make a Positive

The words “severe male, low ovarian reserve” are five words I can’t seem to get out of my head.  We saw Dr. Dunn on Wednesday to go over what went wrong and to discuss our new plan of attack.  Once we sat down in his office, he showed us his computer screen with the results of my blood work and ultrasounds over the past couple of weeks.  At the top of the screen was his diagnosis and it read those five simple words that I can’t move on from, “severe male, low ovarian reserve”.  How do two negative words like “severe” and “low” somehow turn into something positive?  By praying for a miracle, that’s how. 

Since the new discovery of my low ovarian reserve, we have decided to be as aggressive as possible for the second round.  I will be on the same medications as before, just on the highest dosage possible.  My dosage will be increased by 50% and we have no idea how it will affect me or if it will even work, but it is a risk Kris and I are willing to take.  Our new plan is to start birth control right after I start my period and two weeks from that point go in for an ultrasound.  This ultrasound is my baseline ultrasound and it will tell Dr. Dunn how many follicles I have to start with before any medication is introduced into my system.  If I have less than 8 follicles to begin with, then I will be on birth control for one more week, followed by another ultrasound.  If at that point I have 8 or more follicles, we will move on with the injections.  However, if again I have less than 8 follicles, the cycle will be cancelled before I start the injections and we will repeat the same cycle until we get the results we are hoping for.  At my baseline ultrasound a month ago, I started the cycle with 7 follicles, so in my mind, 8 follicles will be an easy goal to achieve.  Dr. Dunn joked about praying over my ovaries, but we may just do that!  For now, Kris and I have to continually strive to believe that our two negative diagnoses’s can give us a positive pregnancy test.  Two negatives make a positive, right?